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| so he came back again. i really thought he wouldnt this time. i was really ignoring him like crazy. i really hated his freakkin guts for what hes done. then i decide to reply to one lil harmless text message that turned into something way more deep, and yeah, back to where we always end up. he wants me back AGAIN. and i'm torn AGAIN and dont know what to do AGAIN. damn me for ever having feelings for him. once i have feelings for someone, they usually last forever they just may change. in some ways i would love to have what we had. we had many great times and we have the same sort of humor that kept us occupied within ourselves for hours and hours. but then again theres all the times he has shown his selfish side and completely ignored the fact that i love him and that i have feelings too. but damn those good times! damn all the laughing and going on for hours about nothing at all just making things up. damn the fact that we cuddled together better than any other person i have ever cuddled with. it just feels so real, so natural. i hated to give that up. but i did and i moved on and to hating him for a while. then those feelings started to fade and i started to miss him again, but i didnt do anything about it. and i guess he was feeling the same thing around the same time bc he sent me a text when i was in a very vulnerable missing him mood and i collapsed. i gave in on myself and sent him one back, then he called and wanted me to stop by and see his new apt. then i show up and he just grabs me and hugs me and tells me how much hed been missing me. and then it just all started all over again. it just kills me. i'm so afraid of things turning out the way they ususally do, but at the same time, it feels so good to have him around again and back to the good part of "us". and in another way, i have gone just about comepletely numb to what he does now. its just like, yeah suuuure if he wants to come around thats cool. but i dont know. i hate that i have to be in this spot, and i really feel like we can just never escape us. like for some reason we just keep coming back and coming back and theres never going to be an end to it. i almost felt like this last time until another end came and then i was for sure that we were done. but its awfully funnie that the moment i started missing him was the same moment he missed me too. i just dont know. i know i would look like a total idiot to all his friends and mine too, but they just gotta know how he is. and i know the good part of how he is and thats just a lil hard to let go. he came back at a time when i was bailed on by my would-be-roomie and i was feeling a lil lost anyway. and i just really missed him. and it had only been that way for a couple of days, and i would go to bed at night and just really miss him. and i even just wished that he would have called. just wished that he would have texted. and then outta no where he texted me early in the morning after i had been up for like an hour, and it was way too early for me to be up anyway. so it was just all weird. eeerily weird. and i just cant help but thing in some weird twisted way this was supposed to happen so that he could just see. just see what hes missing and miss how awesome we were. but really, is that awesome enough for me to go through all hes put me through? i'd say no, but i wouldnt be answering fully. and there are other factors that i cannot even talk about. so i should just end this blog now before i go on....bye | | |
| why cant i just have a light shower of darkness? why does it have to be a storm? i have been through so much lately and i'm just waiting for it to all end so that i can get better. i had doubts about giving him another chance, but he said he wanted no one else but me. he said that he compared any other female he met to me and that they never measured up...he said all he wanted was another chance....then he took those words, branded them on a knife and slowly sliced me open. i cannot believe i believed him. he just wanted me around bc he knows i'd do anything for him. i was a convenience to say the most. i just wish i could walk away with no scars and no hurt. but its never that easy, i know. i just feel as though i always find the hard way to do things. i need direction. i'm so lost! i'm so depressed, i just wanna hibernate for a year or so! can i do that please? and all of my friends have either moved away or have boyfriends, kids, families, lives....lol. i need a life. i have always tried to base my life on love and thats got me no where. i thought it almost got me married once, but no. nope. not i. i cant get someone who will be real with me about there life. i have to get someone who builds there life on a lie, and therefore, mine was built that way too. i hate lies more than anything else now! and i am not perfect, i know am i far from it, but all i want is honesty....and what i got was someone who cannot even be honest with himself. great huh? hahahahaaaaa | | |
| i need the biggest piece of advice i have probley ever needed, but i cannot ask for it bc that means revealing another piece of info i cannot reveal. but its slowly killing me and its making me make choices that i dont know are right or night, or if i am just making this choice bc i feel i dont have another choice bc of what life's thrown me now. i'm too young for all this drama, guess thats what i get for growing up too soon. now i'm stuck out in a world i have no idea how to operate in. i need direction. i need comforting.....too bad i cant even tell ANYONE. not even the one i normally tell things to....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. i need you so bad! | | |
| WOW. so much going on that i cant even believe is going on. so much am i scared about that i thought i would never have to be scared about with this one. so much feeling that i did not know would stem from this. thought i could handle it in one way, but it turns out i am dealing with it in another way. i know its dangerous, but i cant help it. i know i can help it, but i am not sure if i want to help it. we'll see. til then i just hope i can be strong and overcome. please let me be strong!  | | |
| OUCH! that really hurt...
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